Double review: Black Christmas and The Hills Have Eyes

Remember when you saw your first horror movie? For me, that was A Nightmare on Elm Street starring Robert Englund as the nefarious Freddy Krueger, brandishing his steel claws as he haunted the dreams of teenagers. I didn't sleep for weeks after seeing Elm Street, much to the chagrin of my parents. I was a teenager, by the way.

Savvy horror fans have figured out all the tricks while horror writers have run out of methods with which to scare us. What to do? Remake a film that wasn't good to begin with!

Take, for example, The Hills Have Eyes, a remake of Wes Craven's 1977 gorefest. The film follows the Carter family, led by dad Bob (Ted Levine, better known as Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs) and mom Ethel (Kathleen Quinlan). Bob and Ethel--kids, son-in-law, granddaughter, and trailer in tow--find themselves stuck in the New Mexico desert among mutants leftover from years of government nuke testing.

The film is quite violent. I'm always intrigued by the MPAA's decision to give a film like this an R rating while films with "too much" sex get the dreaded NC-17. I guess morals are such that parents shudder to imagine their kids watching naked adults frolic, but have no objection to taking their children to see a mother being shot in the head while her baby rolls on the floor and her teenage sister is raped in the background.

The mutants are pretty creepy looking and there are a few sincere moments where I jumped, although as most savvy horror film fans know, these were often dreaded "fakeout" moments involving a dog or a family member. The characters are not very interesting and the only reason we care about them is because writer/director Alexandre Aja and writing buddy Gregory Levasseur threw in young kids and a helpless baby. As is true and necessary for any horror film, the ending leaves the option open to have a sequel. Oh, wait, there is a sequel! God bless the almighty dollar.

Black Christmas is another remake of a 1974 film with the same name. That one was directed by the guy who brought you Porky's and Rhinestone. Enough said. The remake was directed by Final Destination 3 scribe Glen Morgan. The story involves a group of sorority sisters who count amongst their ranks Dana (Lacy Chabert) and den mother Ms. MacHenry (Andrea Martin). It's Christmas Eve and the girls are sitting around the fire, exchanging presents. The first present, offered like a virgin to a volcano, is for once-resident Billy Lenz (played at different ages by Robert Mann and Cainan Wiebe), the Norman Bates/Michael Meyers-esque guy who is believed to be dead but is really in a mental institution down the road, plotting his return home. Following the horror-making handbook, the girls dutifully split off, one by one, investigating strange noises where they will be killed and their eyeballs eaten. I'm not kidding.

Christmas has a slightly creepier feel, relying heavily on yellow and blue tones to enhance the ever-blinking Christmas lights. (Who knew Christmas lights could be scary?) By the end, the sole survivors escape in what has become all-too-common in horror films: the fakeout ending. The killer is dead! Or is he?

Neither film contributes anything to the genre, but if you are a fan and need a fix, I recommend Christmas. At the very least, there's a chance that when Christmas rolls around, the blinking bulbs on the tree might give you pause or, at the very least, a good laugh.